Peeling Away

Update in real time: This post, like most in this blog, was written days or weeks ahead of time and is thus chronometrically fictional but these words are written in real time. The dream in reality was a dream about riding on the Deutsche Bahn which had superimposed upon it the Santa Ana Freeway and some San Juan Capistrano type vegetation.

I have two comments: 1. I am completely different outside rural Louisiana! It is really unbelievable how morose I become in my town / university although what outsiders tend to wonder is how I survive these at all. Still I find this post as originally written disgustingly morose.

2. Someone in the conference where I am talked about mechanisms for creating complete subjection via the deployment of Christianity and the model was precisely that of Reeducation. This I would say in response to several of the recent comments on this blog. Since I would say it several times in comments, I am saying it once here.


I am so glad I have this blog because I really do need to remind myself of my right to exist each day. There are historical reasons why Reeducation’s remark that I was an “intellectual snob” was so devastating that I, in response, committed psychic hara-kiri. I know what they are and it is not that I am not willing to write about them, it is that I have thought about them long since and I find them exhausting to discuss. Reeducation, undertaken to cure the wounds sustained during these events, only made me relive them in a distorted way and I will not risk hearing further echoes of this.

Although it does not discuss these things the blog helps me relax with them, make peace with them, and reach out to the person they happened to — the one who is coming back to me. And I am in Germany today, giving a paper. I am so glad to be here and so pleased to have been invited. I am so grateful to be going on to Spain afterwards. I am glad enough about these things that I almost feel I am who I was. Riding north on the Deutsche Bahn after flying all night I fell asleep briefly and dreamed I was on the Santa Ana Freeway, going out to Laguna with hibiscus blooming.

And I know, but reject the reasons why being from Southern California and liking it there was supposed to be so shameful. I know, but reject the reasons why having studied in the UC system and having enjoyed it has been considered so sinful. And I know I do not sound like a person from San Francisco but like an Angelena and that some people hoped I would be someone else. But my dream of the road out to Laguna was a happy dream and I am so glad that this kind of dream is coming again to me.


2 thoughts on “Peeling Away

  1. Sounds lovely (your trip). Enjoy it to the full.

    Also rest assured that you are not alone in having snobbery projected into you. I think it is a very common social mechanism of coping for some ppl, that is easier to avoid once you are aware of it. It’s also emotionally rather than factually based.

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