If I put lime on anything I am instantly transported to Latin America, where Reeducation does not reach me. I think I shall put lime on everything, every day, in addition to expanding myself through yoga.
I have said it before but it is ever clearer to me how Reeducation insisted on the establishment of a perfectly sadistic relationship to oneself. It was required one relive one’s most painful moments, inflicting them upon oneself now. This was breathtaking.
By breathtaking I refer to suffocation, not to the sublime.
Thus was I taught to permit, at home and in my own town or parish, things I would never permit in the city, or back home in Greater Mexico, or abroad. And I am slightly anxious about going abroad because I know I bear the marks of what I allow to go on at home and that it is uncomfortable for people. This only means, of course, that I need to spend more time in strengthening places, and not check my strength at the parish line.
It is embarrassing to have been engaged for so many years in torture and recovery, and to have been too disabled to escape. And I want to talk about it, yet I know it is burdensome for others, and also hard to understand for people who have not been subjected to it. And of course one is ashamed of what is happening, and does not want people to know.
Actually I do not mind people knowing. I want relief from the torture world, time away from it. I do not want that world as part of my identity.