You are always so relaxed and calm, said my student. I do not feel that way at all, although it is in fact my nature. Perhaps my true nature is showing through. Perhaps what this student sees is the shell of myself I show when I am in fact withdrawing as much as possible. I do not know.
Butwhen I began doing something I called “procrastination” it was not that I had suddenly grown lazy, or suddenly forgotten to manage time. It was that I had acquired guilt, shame and fear about being who I was, which is to say about being what many would be glad of. To live meant to be myself and use my powers, which was to be avoided at all costs.
And so I do not think I “procrastinated” on any particular aspect of work, really. I “procrastinated” on being myself, on living, on life.