Flowering skulls, jal k’ex, Jaloj-K’exoj, read all about them. I would change my name in this direction if the language were not so foreign. But Jaloj-K’exoj is my mode.
I am fascinated with this blog because it seems like a foreign land in its own way, for reasons I will think about and perhaps explain to myself one day. For now I will just promote it, since it does offer a consulting and coaching service I think sounds like a good idea for some.
Meanwhile, I want to post a comment I’d post on it, over here, because I don’t want to flood it with issues outside its scope and because really, the notes I would put there are for me.
So, here I would say:
♦ On goals, I think it’s great to have a broad one in the background that is more than a survivalist one (e.g. finishing a degree, getting tenure). In the same way, I think enjoying the workday is a much better goal than getting through it (which was what I was taught was moral).
♦ There were people in graduate school who had trouble working because it made them feel bad, or because they did not like to write, or because they did not like the atmosphere in their departments. I understood them later, when I learned to berate myself for working. Now, my main motivational trick is to make sure I do not do that, that I am not doing that.
♦ You have to organize your time, but you have to do this with authority, with your true self in charge. Again, I was good at this when I still believed in my own authority.
♦ When I learned to berate myself for and about working, I also learned to dissociate to protect myself. I perceived that as loss of concentration and it took years to figure out what it really was and how to combat it.
The loss of concentration does not mean I need yet more discipline or just to “work through it” — it means I need to look at what background messages I have going on, and speak back to them.
Other perceptions for this week are:
♦ Some of the “academic” and other advice I have received over the years, much of it unsolicited but that I listened to, was actually advice on how to collude in one’s own oppression.
♦ The reason I am too kind and as someone said, “sincere to a fault” has to do with the decision I made as a child, not to be cold or dismissive or manipulative or self serving or dishonest or false as so many adults were.
♦ But it also has to do with defending against the supposition that since I am intellectually oriented, I must be unfeeling and cold, a high crime.