On Leaving

One of my colleagues said yesterday, “You have so many talents, so many competencies for so much, it is really admirable.”


The more I think about it the more I realize how deep the guilt is that keeps me in place, growing quieter each year. Let us review my sins, as I feel them, so that I can see how ridiculous they are.

1. Not “knowing history.” Believing I could learn at some point and need not lament now.

2. Not having a strong talent for music. Accepting this.

3. Going to a large, public, research oriented university for college. Taking advantage of it. Being intellectually and professionally oriented.

4. Going to graduate school and doing well in it, flourishing in it.

5. Not really liking most of my academic jobs. Daring to think of alternatives. Wanting to go back for a different degree.

6. Not having the same research perspectives as the men.

7. Having energy, interests, talents, appetites.


My colleague out of the blue, yesterday, seemed to think my multi-talented nature was a positive, not a negative trait. This was an unusual thing for me to hear, and interesting.


One thought on “On Leaving

  1. My family is an academic family and I associate academic work with being shamed, punished, raked over the coals, terrorized. It is something I should not do, should not have done, something that hurt them, and so on, and so forth.

    But this is such classic, heavy emotional abuse that I think perhaps they would have tried to destroy anything I liked. This is worth thinking about.

    I am only just coming to grips with how heavy it all was; Reeducation was very heavy but the family was so much moreso.

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