The reason I feel academic work is destructive is the prevalence and repetition of menaces and threats therein. From birth I am familiar with this feeling — someone will make a misstep, work will be cut. It is hard to concentrate in this atmosphere. There are no jobs, one false move and you are gone, and on, and on.
This semester I was assigned to chair a committee to fight budget cuts at the state level, and I fell down on the job entirely. It is a fact that I had started out exhausted and depressed already, that there were some unexpected glitches here at the beginning of the term, that I was teaching a large and diverse load, that I was taking two courses myself, that my cat disappeared, and that I had heavy negotiations with difficult workers and no kitchen the entire time.
But the reason I fell down on my committee job was that, in order to do it, I would have had to focus seriously on all of the threats that were and are still being made. I would have had to read the documents and hear the Governor’s voice. I know resistance is important and valuable but at a deep level I fear we have already lost. I feel I need to put my effort toward moving forward as an individual.
Most importantly, if I had listened to the threats I believe I might have had a psychotic break of some kind. And of course I know, doing it with the support of a committee might be different, and practicing resistance makes you stronger; I know these are the standard answers but this time I think it was best I not focus on the threats.
My larger point is this — am I the only one who thinks of academic atmospheres as violent, punitive ones, riddled with instability, menaces, and threats? I do not have this impression in R-1 environments but everywhere else the smell of danger is so rank that I have very serious trouble concentrating. Is it just me, or do you, too, find these things destructive?
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 
I am ABD at an R-1, and what you’ve described is very much the case here. Grad students are not protected, departments are being merged, the superstar faculty who are also the student advocates are leaving for other departments with better support, and the administration is not fighting to keep them. The political environment is horrendous.
By the way, I very much appreciate your blog.
Well, thanks ABD! The reason I say I feel better in R-1 environments is that there are more adults among faculty there, at least in my experience, than in other kinds of schools. But what you’re describing sounds exactly like what’s happening at our flagship.
Ah – and a friend described graduate school as a “boundary free zone.”
I didn’t experience that until assistant professordom but it is pretty apt and it is why I find the whole thing traumatic — you’re isolated, yet you can’t get away from invasive people.
How I avoided it in graduate school:
1. I knew the area and had friends outside school already;
2. I was in an interdisciplinary program and so not confined to one department.
3. I had two separate grants for research abroad in two separate periods, and thus escaped some of the enmeshing and stagnation others underwent.
The extent to which one can recreate that situation later in academic – dom is the extent to which one can maintain sanity, I think.
Thanks! It took me quite a while to adjust to being in my program, or rather, to adjust to where my program is located. I traveled across the entire country from an east coast city to a large inland campus, more focused on big-ag than anything else. It’s only a four year program in English, which is frustrating; trying to write a dissertation in a year is awful. What’s even more awful is that there seems to be no distinction made in the department between mediocre students and strong students. It’s hard to know where you stand, and while my advisor is the utmost professional, I could do with a little more…support? I actually have a short term fellowship this summer, which will get me out of the area, but once I come back, I need to focus on getting ready for the job market, while writing my diss…
As for the culture of my department…mediocre faculty seem to be rewarded more so than the superstars, and the humanities in general are under attack by the larger university. Very frustrating. But. I’m doing ok! I’ve been actively involved in doing things for the department, but now I’m in diss mode, which means I’m prioritizing MY time over department events.
I went to one of those public Ivies in a gorgeous place, before the cost of living went so far up. I really had a great time in graduate school, whatever problems there may have been, and it was really good for me personally.
I took 8 years, 2 for the MA, 3 for PhD coursework, 1 for the PhD exam and then the prospectus exam, and 2 for more dissertation research and writing. We had 6 years of TA time and I had those fellowships that made up the other two years. Desired time to degree was 7 years (university said this) but actual average time was 10, so I was even considered fast.
I guess this is why I was so shocked at professordom — it is more like most peoples’ grad school experiences. I admire you, that situation sounds rough, good for you for knowing how to handle it !!!