…I would like to do some work this summer, then, on the flashbacks and the feelings of illegitimacy / guilt.
How to do it — care of self, perhaps. You have to have a strong body and pleasure, and be good to yourself. I think I can focus / meditate and reimagine myself.
I think I should honor the feeling of claustrophobia. When I have had it, I have never been wrong.
I think I should recognize the destructiveness of envy.
I think I should notice these things and meditate on strength.
I think I should remember what I learned some time ago, about speaking kindly to oneself. When I feel this awful, it means I am not doing that. It should be on my checklist of things to consider as soon as the shadows close in, not hours or days later, peering out.
*
I think there is enough love to go around to every one. Someone wanted undivided attention and would do almost anything to get it, but there is enough love to go around to every one.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 
Envy is destructive, but it’s hard to avoid.
Are you going to leave your job?
I think it’s important to recognize envy for what it is, though. I tend to think I have actually, actively harmed the person, or that there is something wrong with me, or something.
Leave job, I don’t think I can yet — money and also self esteem, there is a project I want to finish. But it’s my goal to do this, or if not to totally transform this job.
A friend who is more objective than I says I will not be able to shed my depression until I shed this job and this town. I hate to admit it because I have invested so much at this point, but I am afraid she is right.
I am old enough that if I am going, I should really step on it.