So, today I snapped at, that is to say, spoke sharply to someone. What they had done:
– tell me to do something I didn’t want to do
– call me up and order me to choose one of two highly inconvenient meeting times; in response to my question, are these the only times the entire rest of the committee can meet?, would not answer
– then set another meeting time
– then changed that to another really inconvenient time
– more; I felt jerked around and I was very miffed at the phone call with the order. If I feel cornered, I am ready to fight for my life, and I resent being put in that position. That is key about me. I so dislike pushing and manipulation that they drive me right around the proverbial bend.
So I said words to this effect and the result is not good because I feel poorly. Which I would have done as well had I knuckled under.
There would have been ways to handle this better, but I would have had to be less busy and less, tired, or also more sure of my power and that, for the future, is the key point.
For the present, the situation needs handling. My instant thought is, apologize for being mean. An alternative is just sit with it: say, “I am delighted you agree that the meeting should be held at a time when we can all be present.” Imperious.
Or, one could do both at once.
The next time: remember one has power.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 
“So I said words to this effect and the result is not good because I feel poorly. ”
Whenever I stand up for myself I feel quite a rush, which gives me the strength to repeat this behaviour in the future. So I really can’t understand why you’re feeling bad about it. Do you think your response was out of proportion to the provocation?
“My instant thought is, apologize for being mean. An alternative is just sit with it: say, “I am delighted you agree that the meeting should be held at a time when we can all be present.” Imperious.
Or, one could do both at once.”
Or one could do nothing. If that person has a problem with you they’ll talk to you about it. That gives you a chance to explain (not apologize) why you said what you said.
You are too good for these people.
Hattie, thanks! 🙂
Stringer – when I stand up for myself, which I only do inadvertently, my reaction is to feel terror because of the torture and possible execution which are to follow. I have *no* idea whether my response was out of proportion or not – this is one of my problems, I am too terrified at these times to be in a state to judge this correctly. My fear is certainly out of proportion to the situation and I discern that the root problem is that the whole thing comes from that cornered feeling — had I not felt backed into a corner by the e-mail preceding the phone call, and then terrified by the phone call, I would have run this whole interaction from a space of calm power and not felt like a hostage.
Imperious, yes, that’s why I don’t like that strategy, either. I can’t do nothing though – the committee has a job to do and it has a deadline, and it’s important.
Background: I had asked this guy whether he wanted to chair it, saying I would if he didn’t (the other two people won’t want to, I already know). He said no, but that he wanted another man to chair it who isn’t on it. So I asked committee when it could meet so we could start working (including choose a chair or a point person if needed). So this guy started e-mailing saying I shouldn’t be organizing by e-mail for next week but pressing by phone to meet this week. That was because he had certain things he wanted to push off our agenda and others he wanted to add, that he felt very strongly about. I feel strongly about doing what we were asked to do in the first place, and doing it when our minds are fresh as opposed to under pressure.
Anyway, committee report has to be there by 18 April which means we must meet. What I did, when I got the e-mail rescheduling the meeting to a time I couldn’t go to, was respond to all saying:
1. What’s the exact agenda of this meeting? 2. It’s been changed, at the last minute, to a time I can’t make. 3. If I’m being replaced on the committee, that is fine. 4. But, if I am being pushed off so that my voice on issue X cannot be heard, then I want the whole committee to know I object to every aspect of your behavior around this. 5. Happy Easter.
So then, e-mail goes to everyone saying the meeting has been cancelled. Therefore, we have to start over, now with bad blood, and it’s not THAT important in the scheme of things, so I feel I overreacted.
(Last semester I was mean to another officious male colleague. I don’t know – they are passive agressive and condescending, and the conventional way to handle is just to step around them or take it; I tend to talk back and then feel I’ve been inappropriate.)
P.S. Stringer – it is interesting that you called this “standing up for yourself.”
I hadn’t – I encoded it instantly as “being inappropriate.”
Which indicates: I consider that standing up for myself is inappropriate.
Naturally, I learned this from my parents. I am guessing they were wrong.
🙂
…notice, though, how different this post is from the one just before it, on not fearing confrontation. It’s not the confrontation itself – it’s being shamed for wanting to be heard, that I fear; also being told that my having a voice is hurtful to those who do not have such good voices.
If you now behave as though you over-reacted (by apologizing) won’t that just encourage them to continue to be condescending? Apologizing may prevent them from taking you seriously in the future, on issues that may be more important to you.
You are so right. My general goal: to stand up for myself without feeling so dramatic about it.