coldhearted scientist وداد

Large projects are slightly frightening and to do them, or start them, you have to have authority in them. It is all very well to say, break them into small parts, but if you have renounced authority in these projects then you cannot begin.  It is not a question of procrastination but of authority (and remember to boot, in Reeducation having any kind of authority was a sin).

There was that project I could not face and did not understand why; there were many reasons but one was that I had renounced authority in it. “No, I am not interested in revising in that direction,” I wanted to say, but refusal did not seem to be allowed so I said “Yes, I will,” and then could never grasp the thing, and lost interest in it as a nebulous mass. I was trying to be as obedient as you need to be to escape execution, and my plan did not work.

I am intimidated by large pieces of grading, too. I want to only grade but for a long time I could get through the voices it calls up, your methods are wrong, you taught that wrong, you are approaching this wrong, you should have tried something else, louder and louder, you will be killed if you do not do as we say and there were years where I started to tremble at the edge of campus already if I had a freshman or a sophomore class.

In any case I would put off starting because I did not want to trip any ptsd-style triggers, and did not know how not to be overtaken by fear once it started. Now I only put off starting out of habit, and it is a bad habit. You have to grade in small batches, but grade a little batch often, often. I must figure out how much total time I want to put into grading per semester and then plan assignments accordingly.

Taking control was one of the world’s worst sins according to Reeducation, but I am taking total control.

Axé.

Axé.