I have been having a crisis all day and should have taken the day off to rest, actually, since this is fatigue driven. (I have not been practicing the right kind of mental health hygiene, which involves having enough sleep, exercise, and meditation time, in some weeks.)
But if it is true as we have established, that most academics are teaching and not research oriented, and that they do not see that all disciplines take daily work, then I understand why I do not fit in. More importantly, I understand why it is assumed one needs certain kinds of advice.
“They do not deserve you,” said Hattie. I appreciate this since my own perception of matters is that I am inadequate.
*
I do not think that what I want is so unreasonable. It is: more efficient teaching and service conditions, and hence more research time. The frustration I have is that although there are ways I could cut down on teaching and service, these would not cut out the interesting parts of those activities, but only the parts that inspire research and that make me feel grown up enough to have the power to do everything better.
This circle goes round and round and I do not know what to do about it. Perhaps understanding better what most faculty want is an advance.
*
I must say, though, that if what most faculty want is so different from what I and mine want, then it is true, not “arrogant,” to say we are all suited to some things and not others.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 
The only problem with saying “we are all suited to some things and not others” is that people with baggage hear that not as a simple observation but as an attack on their abilities. That is, the problem is not with the statement but with the audience. It’s the reverse of dealing with someone like Clarissa who only reacts to the words and can’t perceive the subtext; some people find subtext where there is none. I would posit that it’s a southern thing (“different” as a subtle criticism, say, or “bless her heart” to cover criticism) but I know some touchy midwesterners who are similarly prone to take offense at neutral observations. I have no advice except to think your own thoughts and try to wear emotional Gore-Tex so that you can breathe but not let them rain on your parade.
“Arrogant” is what people in my graduate program who are trying to accustom themselves to situations like this one accuse themselves (or others) of being.
Emotional Gore-Tex, yes. I lost this through psychotherapy, it was alleged that it was “denial” and that being competent was really a “coping mechanism” that had to be swept away so one could “see reality” (amazing b.s., yes, I cannot believe I listened but I was being tolerant, as one is supposed to be). But, yes.
On audience, yes — I see where it applies — I say “tell me what the language program goals are so I will know how to teach to them,” and they hear “tell me what you do in class so I can criticize it (and go after your job).”
Another topic is Spanish departments, Louisiana, authoritarian governments and cultures of suspicion.
I think I would find a culture of suspicion so disabling that I really would prefer to teach in a present-day inner-city high school (so long as the teachers and administrators were supportive rather than suspicious).
Efectivamente. And if I were to take that decisive a step toward the helping professions, I would rather get a law degree and work for legal aid. (That law degree I want just fits me so much better in so many practical ways: I’d rather be a literature professor at a research institution, but if I am to work at levels this low, I would rather do law than basic teaching or social work.)
“I would find a culture of suspicion so disabling…”.
I do find it very disabling and traumatic. The projection, the horsetrading, the gossip…