Why are we asked to question ourselves so much? For several days I have been wishing some accident would come and kill me.
This morning as I woke up, I was thinking: “well, since I want to die as badly as I do, I had better come up with a method that will really work, since I do not want to simply end up disabled.”
I was also thinking: “things do improve, and if I do not do this I will find at some point I am glad I did not.”
And I was thinking: “that has happened before, I already know things can improve, I have already enjoyed that, so maybe this time I can really die; dead I will not have to revisit and relive unbearable prior traumas every day. I will sink into the pleasant earth, and become part of the stars. Joy will grow in every atom that was me as we disperse through the cosmos.”
Then I read this comment on this blog: It is worse than useless to treat an external problem as an internal one and started looking at music listings in New Orleans tonight. I have so often been told I am mentally ill when the issue is actually that I am not, and cruel when it is merely that my views do not confirm prevailing convictions.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 
Wow Z,
You sound so depressed that I feel for you. I hope you find soon a way to be out of such darkness. Sorry not to have better words for you. Cheers.
Thank you Vero! Think of it this way: usually I am more depressed, but now I am un-depressed enough to be able to talk about it.
I am irritated because I am not the depressive type. If it were in my nature I could integrate it better, but I do not enjoy it.
Hang in there, Z. Go do things you enjoy, even if you don’t feel like it. It will help this end faster.
Gracias AP! I do feel like it!