coldhearted scientist وداد

My accomplishments for today include seeing that I must move myself from the space of conquered person to the space of equal. The first step up was prisoner of war, as opposed to conquered person. Then I thought, what about free soldier from the other side. Then I thought I might go the whole way, and consider myself a colleague. I hope I can maintain this attitude.

(Why is that so hard, one wonders. Because there is opposition to it, is the answer.)

*

The problem here is the fetishization of “chain of command.” Only one person can tell you anything and you can only talk to that person. Anything else is “out of order” and that person can give “advice” that is really a destructive set of commands. That is one more reason I mistrust academic advice.

Also: I tend to think that anyone who really believes we are under such a state of siege, where security of all information must be kept as tight as in a revolutionary cell, may be up to something.

*

Olodumare remind me that I am a colleague. Help me remember that when someone says my winning or achieving something is hurting their feelings, they are being manipulative.

Who benefits if I win? The university, and I, and a colleague. Who loses? I cannot think of anyone.

*

Is there academic freedom when it is considered threatening to have been asked by a secretary to ask an administrator a question, to which the answer is yes or no, and to receive an answer? Why was this so bad of us all?

I have thought of calling AAUP national, just to find out whether they think this would actually be a problem in most universities.

*

Let us rehearse; I am really worried about being pulled off track. Keywords: I was preparing for the meeting (say this out loud). Manipulation (do not say that, but remember to guard against it). Interference (say this if I have to, think it if I need it). Discrimination (possibly raise this issue).

Important: I have been pushed to relinquish research for service before, and it has seemed necessary sometimes in the past although I never considered it wise; I am interested in administration, strategic planning, governance, but I am not interested in relinquishing research for service again and. it. is. in. the. best. interest. of. the. university. that. I. not.

In addition, I am concerned about possible reprisals for election to entities like Academic Senate and membership in organizations like AAUP. (I want to do my job and support my unit in doing its work. I cannot see how the repression of my work supports the mission of the university.)

*

Let us rehearse again. That was a boildown of the things one could say, with some sentences left in reserve, but it is still too much. 1. I will impress upon this person that I am asking advice off the record, not registering a complaint. 2. I am asking them to beam me some sanity so I can stay straight when I go and talk to the manipulative, offended one. 3. I am not saying anything official but I am letting them know I have a situation.

This is just a heads-up. I want you to know I am trying to resolve this situation, but that I have a roadblock. I want you to hear my objectives, directly from me. If there is a further problem I will come to you formally but at present I am only asking for your unofficial moral support for some form of sanity. This will strengthen me to continue pursuing the meeting I need and that I know you will agree is simply a normal order of business, and a minor one really, although its result will have impacts such that it should be executed with the requisite care.

*

I must say it is telling that I must plan so carefully; any slight misstep is problematic and one or two have already been made in this situation — missteps people did not know were missteps, they were so slight — but we have already overspent our allowance of missteps, so none can be made by me.

Axé.