Dear Writing Group:
No me he querido extender sobre el tema semanal porque hay tanto que decir, ¡y tanto! Yo esta semana tengo 4,000 palabras remal escritas ¡y es tanto! es decir, ¡son tantas! Algo con qué trabajar dan y esto ¡ya es tanto!
Quand on a la vie et la jeunesse, c’est déjà tellement!
My grandfather made a miscalculation in early 1929 and it caused problems. We have been more conservative since. Me puedo extender sobre este tema si quieren. The point is that after a certain moment I decided it was necessary to take some risks and see what would happen.
I can afford it since I am in an expanding field — which I chose for that reason.
I remember the moment in which I decided to take risks. I did not know how far that decision would take me in this direction. Had I known, I would not have done it. It is hard to believe that I survived in any form at all, given all the risks I took. The fact is that I only survived because I had chosen, sabiéndolo y eligiéndolo por ello, an expanding field.
This is the advantage I have, and I know it once again since not everyone in the Writing Group is in an expanding field.
Nonetheless I think it is important to rally unless one quits. I can say this, rally once again for the field, because I have tenure. It is harder if you don’t, I know.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 
The things I feared, when I was younger, were external: not getting a job, or not getting tenure. Those were realistic fears, although I managed to do both. But I don’t think I thought in terms of “failure.” Certainly I never seriously doubted that I would finish my dissertation and achieve the Ph.D. I am capable of all sorts of anxiety, but basically I am/was confident in (a) my brains and (b) my looks, in a way that I gather is uncommon for many women.
The kind of fear you spoke of at the writing group (not being able to produce something good enough) is often classed as perfectionism but I’m not sure that is entirely right. Again, it may proceed from external circumstances (do you have enough time to do the job right?) as well as from internalized notions of either self-esteem or perfection. The key there is your word, “producing.” You’re not worried about being good enough, but about product and time, the conditions of production, and your position in the enterprise. Being tenured changes one’s position, of course, changes perspective both on oneself and on the larger endeavour.
Also — your point on not thinking in terms of failure, I should turn into a post. I think the point of Reeducation was to teach me to do that, and I think that my not thinking that way was why I was incomprehensible. Much of what is said to and thought about women seems predicated on the idea that we do think that way.
I guess that is the thing, it is not failure I fear, although I have actually “failed” a lot and failed to do certain things as in not done them.
I think the only things I feared failing at were my graduate exams. You really could fail, because reading lists were sophisticated, there was no choice of questions and if you got one you were not prepared for, you could fail it. I did not want to fail so I gave these exams my best shot. This is why they are my favorite academic experiences — I actually allowed myself to do as well as I could.
Really I seem to be like you, confident in brain and looks in a way that is apparently incomprehensible to most people.
At another level I am not, and this contributes to me not trying — I don’t commit because, according to my upbringing, I would not succeed. I work hard on group projects because I know I am competent, but I do not commit to myself because I consider it inappropriate: “selfish” and also “foolish” because the work will not be good so time will have been wasted.
I have not found that being tenured changes any of this.
P.S. on tenure — it does theoretically make it easier to say “do it for the field” but I think it would be good to start saying that sooner, rather than “do it to survive.” “Do it to survive” is destructive.