1/- I am truly terrified of what the experience may be as we move once again toward uniformization of those lower division courses, if this is done superficially, as it surely will be. The last time, we signed in blood, so to speak, saying we would obey. Years later I found out by chance that I was the only one who was actually trying to do what we had said we would. Everyone else had said obedezco pero no cumplo. But I was the senior person and had sworn especially to model compliance. The whole experience was horrible, and we lost students, and we could not speak together because everyone was hiding what they were actually doing. Really and truly, I do not think I can handle going through this again. I have no investment in the language program, I don’t care about “methods,” I just want it done in some way that has some meaning other than torturing students with grammar exercises, pushing them through, and earning student credit hours that way, or done without me. I will teach History, or English, or French, or Portuguese, or Latin, or a different Spanish course, or one of the many other things I can usefully teach, but I cannot teach Spanish 201 in this way, it is too costly and too painful.
2/- I must not allow myself to be caught off guard and engaged in casual conversation on these matters. The department is so twisted, and I am so filled with pain from all that has gone on as well as sadness over what it has cost. If I speak of it, I must be allowed to speak of it seriously, and not have to be kind to whatever random comments the uninitiated gawkers du jour may have.
3/- The academic world is awful. I have had such a terrible time in it and I have had to renounce my life for it. I wasted a good education and so much talent and strength, and so many opportunities to do interesting things.
4/- What my student worker said: there is so much to fix at this university that it is overwhelming, and the only academic jobs of interest to intelligent people with projects are the really good ones. (I said that much earlier on, but I was told I was arrogant to think it.)
5/- Others knew me better than I did myself, they said, and could see I was good for nothing but this. They could not be pain free unless I did this. I remember being literally stuffed onto the MLA plane, once again. At one interview I was asked what my interest in the job was, and I burst into tears: “I have no interest, I am sorry. I came here under heavy pressure, and I did not want to waste your time. My friends and family would like me to have an academic job.”
6/- At a campus visit, asked about my spotty research record, I talked about my other life, where I really spent my time–critical race theory and the global prison industrial complex and the law degree I would do when I could afford it. I felt so happy, alive for once, real.
7/- But of course I cannot really do that, I am too impaired to do that, people can see that I am impaired and only good for school, I was told for so long. That double bind, you should not do the Ph.D. but you should stay in school … meaning I am not sure what … is reproduced now, as I am directed to do things in an incompetent way and yet be a star.
8/- I, on the other hand, only want to live somewhere I do not feel so uncomfortable and to do something meaningful. What we do here has little meaning, and the research I am doing is also being done by others. I am not strictly needed, and I need to support myself better than I can here.
9/- The reason I have been undepressed for five months is that I have insisted on having an adult life and not falling prey to these peoples’ silliness, that silliness which activates all my pain and sadness.
10/- I may be undepressed but I am still so badly traumatized. I do not want to believe I am not whole or cannot be.
#OccupyHE.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 
I admire your clear analysis of the problems; I still find this clarity inspiring, though my situation is different. And I, too, worry that I am wasting my life—or at least, not doing enough with it, which comes to the same thing. I want to teach well, even though I really identify as a scholar, because it seems wrong not to.
Hi DEH and thanks for visiting!
Honestly, I do not even care about teaching “well” — I just want it not to be torture, and I think it should have some value for the students (if not, it’s unethical, really).
Wasting life, but are you not enjoying it? Because I do not enjoy it and I could, and if I am to live in pain then I want the sacrifice to have some value, and I do not see the value of my sacrificing happiness to this pointless activity.
(The answer is of course that the university should let me do something other than Spanish 201, especially in this awful program and regime they have now chosen.)
P.S. Do you really think I am clear, clearer than average on these matters???
I enjoy it, but as you know, I want to be somewhere else, and then I feel guilty because I really have a good gig and a good living situation so nothing really to complain about, except for the living in exile part. I went into this for the “life of the mind,” and my mind is pretty happy with what I’ve got, but my soul wants to be in my familiar hills. I feel like a contented grown-up constantly dragging along a whining toddler who doesn’t understand why it can’t go home.
And yes, you are very clear-sighted about identifying and naming the elements that oppress you. At midlife, though, one may have made one’s bed (I fear)—is it even possible to acquire a new bed? I am gloomy today; please don’t take it personally.
My aim was originally to have a good enough vita to get on at UC Merced when it opened. I have missed that but my aim is still to get on at certain select CSUs at least. I could handle those because they might be better than this, although they would probably be a step down for you. One of the CSUs I would consider working for is the one in Hayward, now called East Bay if I am not mistaken.
Merced would be exciting. One of the reasons I am now an English professor (rather than French) was the influence of a friend’s father, who taught at Hayward. For me, a major problem with many CA schools is lack of commitment to/interest in medieval literature; not that I don’t want to or can’t teach anything else, but I do consider that my “home” for both teaching and research; your interests and training fit far better at Merced, from what I’ve seen on their website, than mine. Higher courseloads would be a problem for me because of chronic illness/energy problems, especially if the load included composition, as it tends to at the CSUs. Good luck! Do not flinch.
I wouldn’t leave an R1 if I were at one, and I would be loath to leave the state of IL if I were there. Higher courseloads, but more functional places (than here) all come out the same, and I’d bet I might get less not more comp-like stuff at the right CSU than I do here. I would not, however, now leave LSU-BR if I were there, and you have a better situation at your place than I would there since you have a PhD in your discipline, and so on. So don’t doubt, and I won’t flinch!