More mantra

The key, as we know, is taking authority in your own life and believing in your competence and reasonableness.

This is what Reeducation took from me almost definitively, and what I am still trying to retake.

I really need it.

In Reeducation, taking reasonable care of oneself and one’s life was anathema, because it was too strengthening — it was a “coping mechanism” that enabled “denial.”

That is wrong.

Also, the 40 years of academic terror, that has kept increasing. It was hurtful that I did not want to go to a small private college; hurtful that I went to graduate school … hurtful that I was research oriented and wanted a research job … hurtful that I would have left academia to get one … hurtful that I have the education I do.

Being in situations where anything I do is wrong. Being in situations where I must undertake self-harm so as to show wounds that will cause the executioners to pass me over, so that I can preserve myself for a future moment when the world will have become more rational and one can feel free.

These things have a certain reality, but they cannot be right, either.

I am completely capable of not living in this psychic world but I am afraid it will cause others unforgivable pain if I do not.

Fear of unbearable pain, and fear of the pain others will feel if they cannot see me in pain, is the double bind that creates these mental blocs for me.

If it is true that others feel stronger if I suffer, it may still not be my responsibility to satisfy them. 

I am afraid of academic work, especially the teaching part of it, because for me academia outside the safe, sane public R1 environment is a space of mutilation … persecution … torture … extreme danger … excruciating pain.

My fear makes this worse. If I did not have the fear come up … if when certain things happened I resisted, kept my mind clear, instead of allowing it to be shattered … things might be different. Have been, when I have lived in environments where other people were sane and were not hurt or offended by sanity.

I think I should keep my wits about me and resist.

I was always taught that learning to accept the shattering, assisting in the completion of one’s own destruction, was the spiritually advanced and also the ethical thing to do in these situations.

I was always taught that I ought to obey better, hide more completely, dissumulate yet more. But I think I should fight.


2 thoughts on “More mantra

  1. (All of this is teaching anxiety and my teaching double bind and I know why I have this problem. I should just pretend I am at Berkeley or LSU before Reeducation and have confidence and have done with it … stop cowering.)

  2. Reading a student paper on a character who is all id and superego, no ego. Thought of the situation of my mother and to some extent me.

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