Revista Iberoamericana, o, hoy estoy mucho mejor

Dame Eleanor Hull has returned, and it is great.

Meanwhile, here is an interesting table of contents which shows what the world was like when I undertook my first serious research project. Had I read this issue of this journal more closely then, I would be yet more intelligent now, but I was reading older things. I was not to do read anything too recent because it would be too difficult for me and being new, could be wrong in unknown ways. It could thus lead me in a bad direction, it was said.

Life, it seemed, was a series of lessons in how to limit oneself. Nowadays this is chic: learning to accept limits, realizing you have limits, becoming disabled. Earlier on, though, it had been known that those lessons in how to limit oneself were a[n antifeminist] tool of oppression. Think of Joanna Russ.

My mother was raised with expectations which she felt were oppressive, and raised me with anti-expectations. Amateurism or doing just enough to get by were the goals. This was intended kindly, at least at the beginning, but soon I was deeply disappointing or at least incomprehensible because I was serious, or at least took an interest in things and wanted to get them done. These things are a large part of why I cannot abide the “good-enough” or the “bad first draft” cant. Other people may be perfectionists and need to tone it down, but what I always wanted in life was to work above the bare minimum, live above bare subsistence, aspire.

It is still not clear to me what is so wrong with this. When will we be allowed to do our best work?

Dulcis et decorum est per superficialitatem mori, I suppose the moral would be. You must work quickly and not challenge anything, and you are acceptable then; this exactly what I do not like.

I have also had an illumination about sleeping (you know I do not sleep, because I was taught I must feel pain and sleep deprivation is the way I achieve this). I think I am rebelling against conventionality, taking time for myself and so on, because only late at night am I completely sure I will not have to deal with people and thus will not have to be trampled upon or pulled one way and the next. But I am also participating in a  strategy of impairment, so that I will not want more than the minimum out of life; and most fundamentally it is submission to Reeducation which wanted me to find a way to feel more pain.

Perhaps if I remember that, it will be easier to renounce this practice which really feels like anorexia or an addiction.


3 thoughts on “Revista Iberoamericana, o, hoy estoy mucho mejor

  1. You gotta jump the queue! I think the very youngest people may know this already. Took me a lifetime to learn that. When I reflect on my life it was always through putting myself out there, for good or ill, that I got anywhere. The foundation of my life was, “Don’t expect anything,” and it was only when I ignored that that I got anywhere. A woman from my background marrying the kind of man I did? Out of the question! Beautiful successful children? Nonsense, you are too lazy and selfish to be a good mother! Go back to college and get that first class education? You and all those other dilettantish middle aged housewives. Who cares about you or your aspirations! Make ceramics? Yes, that’s the kind of thing all you useless old people do as a pastime on the way to your inevitable end!

    In short, everything I’ve gotten out of life has been met by the sneers and derision of the mediocre, who have every incentive to see to it that their rivals never get anywhere in life.

    1. Yes, but it hurts them so much. I feel that it is not their fault they are mediocre, they still deserve not to be hurt. They need to hurt me so as not to feel pain, and I am stronger than they are, so I should be able to take it. Or at least this is what I have always been told.

    2. What it is, though, Hattie, is that I am able to see her voice. Do you see how I persecute myself with the things she said, take her position against myself? This is what I have done since Reeducation and it is how abuse works: it trains you to subject yourself to these things. I am happy to be able to even see these things now.

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