- Work according to Program and not according to mood. Stop at the appointed time!
- When you can’t create you can work.
- Cement a little every day, rather than add new fertilizers.
Those are our three points du jour, although my favorites are still “Work on one thing at a time until finished” and “Work calmly, joyously, recklessly on whatever is in hand.” (I have a great deal to say about turning oneself into a creative person again, or a person with subjectivity and agency again. You must cultivate yourself and this is what people do not understand; even sacrificers and penitents cultivated themselves.)
I want research time and Fulbrights. It is unrealistic to expect oneself to work here because of the atmosphere, or elsewhere because one’s things are here. How to manage these problems. I might need a New Orleans sublet. (I must stay in touch with Hunter.)
I want to understand how I self destructed for once and for all, and stop wondering. I know and knew exactly what I wanted to do. How to walk through those glass doors and ceilings now?
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 
The answer to those questions is, it was the abusive background and relationships that I did in fact try to get resolution on.
What I wanted: the research atmosphere, the creativity, the sabbaticals, the Fulbrights. Again, not the prestige as people keep accusing me — the type of work. But I lost self respect because of the way I was treated, and lost the confidence to get and have these things.
That psychotherapy basically killed my book contract and my Fulbright, I gave them up because I decided I did not deserve them, basically.