“One must do what is central to one’s self before anything else.”
It is interesting because I still do not, or do not really know what that thing would be as I do not do it. What I must do first is take care of Mother; second, I may choose what I like best from the menu she gives. That is all.
What would that thing be? People keep telling me I do not know what I want, or do not want what I should want enough, but that is not true. It is a certain kind of setting I want, and activity, and atmosphere, and autonomy.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 
And it’s this: I know what I want but cannot have it.
So I have a second choice that is perhaps better than the first, even, but I cannot have it.
I am forced to take a kind of parody of my real choice and it is torture.
I deserve this torture because of having wanted what I wanted in the first place.
If I had not wanted it, I would not deserve death by torture.
This is what my mother taught.
I should have been a better servant, more perfectly suited to serve.