The thing at the back of my mind that I wish were a palm

The other thing is that I just have so much pain and grief associated with this academic field that it is hard to function. People always said I must soldier on because it was what I had chosen — I had to bear my cross. Now they say they see it has not worked out and I should leave but I still want a career and this is the one I have. I don’t understand why, if they in fact thought it was all right to leave, they pressured me so to stay when I was in fact in a position to leave. I want to just drop the pain and grief. I think the way to do that is to do as I see fit, not necessarily as “should” be done. This is the advice I tend to give others.

In psychotherapy I learned to fret. This was called “feeling your feelings” and I don’t think it was a useful thing to learn. Now I have a bad situation that will be ongoing and I need to get work done too. I will use an old technique I used to use — always let myself know I have time to feel pain, but also remember I do not have to disable myself with it all the time.


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