The light

I was always so used to the Mediterranean, sea and mountain light. I did not know the light could be different. I did not know that a key reason I was happy with what I was doing was that it was making it possible to stay in this light.

Coming home was easy this time, though — partly because I flew to Houston and drove, making the transition easy, and partly because it was good to get to any space that was mine.

*

I wish I had felt I had options when I was younger. I had them in fact and could see them, but did not have the strength to take them. The overriding priority was not to upset our parents and this was a very difficult task, all-consuming, always. It always seemed we must define and fulfill their true wishes and I did not realize that the reason things were so opaque was that they were in irrational states, and that much of what they said was incomprehensible because of that or was to some degree inaccurate because of that. Divining their wishes, fulfilling these, earning love or at least preventing mistreatment or terror were the only really important things and this has shaped my life.

*

In any case, I will stop tearing myself apart. Nothing is a question of time management, or of priority management, or of self management, it is a question of authority, of having authority, of having any belief that my own instincts and insights can prevail, or any belief that anyone will see I have honesty and integrity. I am so used to not being trusted and to being told not to trust myself.

I feel as though something twisted in my stomach were straightening. Perhaps this is the proverbial umbilical cord, loosening. I will encourage it.

*

The worst professional advice I ever got was to cram schedules and rush. I never did this and I always made deadlines. Once I started cramming schedules and rushing, I began to fail. Even now I was afraid to start preparing class because I thought that once I started I would need to go at warp speed and finish in under 25 minutes — or be accused of spending too much time. It felt as though I must be finished in 25 seconds. I did not want to enter a space in which I would be goaded like that, so I could not begin — even though I in fact had the 2.5 hours I wanted.

Now I only have 25 minutes, because I was so scared to start and give myself only 25 minutes. But if I had reminded myself more squarely, you have 2.5 hours, you do not have to rush, then I would be well finished, happy and relaxed by now.

Axé.

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