I am not chirpy

…I am disturbed about my father’s final illness for several reasons. One, we do not know how long this crisis will last. Will we get to a stable period, or will it be a crisis from here on out? If so, will that be for the next five years? If so, will that cost all of his money? Should we let his successor trustee take over the trust and if so, how much will that cost since the successor trustee is a bank? How much control will we have over his care if the bank takes over? Some of these things will reveal themselves but we’ve been going all out on seeing him, making sure he has everything, because this could be close to the end but we do not know for sure. The doctor says he is not hospice qualified but we still do not know. How to get used to this new rhythm, or anti-rhythm?

Then there is the fact that I know I will live at least as long as he will with nowhere near the resources. Will I ever have a life? For the last 25 years or so I have been just struggling to survive, I would not call it really living most of the time. Is this to continue, followed by a bad death? When do I get to start my career, so I can at least feel, by that point, that I have had a life?

There are a great number of nasty details about the emotions and conflicts that surround this. But it is the major passage of my life and there are all these conflicts about love and money.


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