And a third

This project brings up so much pain and I do not manage it well, do not handle it well, don’t treat myself well, perhaps. I can stop if I don’t think about deadlines, only about doing something now, and don’t require myself to think destructively.

This is how I used to be — before I learned to think destructively, and before I learned that choosing reasonable deadlines was not a good thing to do.

I’ve got fearful avoidant attachment, says the newspaper. Not about everything, but I have it. I have had it since … the first time I said yes to something big that I wanted to say no to, but thought I had no choice on. I made it worse after that.

In it you are afraid to touch the project, and your dread grows. You feel overwhelmed, get lost in things like social media or cleaning your desk, and try to figure out how to explain not getting the frightening project done.

Do I simply not want to do this project? I wonder if that is something I should face. I love intellectual work but I don’t think of it as something I do with friends, but for disapproving and violent authorities. This, I think, is key.

I keep trying to find a technique for battling this. And techniques like self-care are undeniably important. The newspaper says you should reduce your fear response: use  positive self-talk and support from colleagues or friends. Then take gentle action like opening one scary e-mail or working 15 minutes on a scary progress. The idea is that these small successes build on each other.

I keep finding that mere techniques are not enough. The association of certain projects with those violent authorities as opposed to with an idea of colleagues and friends, seems very important. Somehow managing to still be proud of self while working on certain things, instead of immediately going into a kind of worm mode, seems key, central to me.

Perhaps Reeducation was an entry into the world of people who do not meditate. It meant losing those perceptions and learning to think in a hierarchical way, and to think in terms of conflict, battle against others and self. I will meditate.


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