California Digital Library

I like their e-book format and I do not like reading whole books in PDF on a screen.

Why am I so fidgety? Let me see:

  • I cannot afford to get the house comfortable enough, or the office;
  • I do not live where the weather and landscape are good for me;
  • I really miss living in a city;
  • I am really nostalgic about the things I have wanted to do with my life the last thirty years or so, and have given up because I was to prove my personhood first by making Full in a humanities discipline at an R-1: after that, I could look about me and see what I would like to do with my life;
  • I would like to work at a MUCH more interesting university, or failing that, at something else that was interesting, in an interesting city with dry air, and mountains and seas;
  • I am concerned I will never be in a position to attain these things and also that, after I can no longer work, I will only have the money to live a few years, and will have to undertake self-euthanasia as an alternative to dying slowly on the streets. I deny that it is a bad idea to be aware of this and I really think I need to have at least a good plan in mind, if it is possible to make one. The only people who do not think they need a plan, are people who are living somewhere where they are happy and who have guaranteed permanent income: they claim to be living like the lilies of the field, but they are not at all;
  • I feel guilty not to be more grateful that I do not live somewhere like Yemen;
  • I feel guilty that I do not work even harder than I do;
  • I am confused about whether I am even interested in this, since so much of what I do is forced and since I am so used to doing things by force: force of will and also lack of options, as one does when one is in prison and has authorities ruling over one.

But are those the real reasons or are they merely a list of my chronic dissatisfactions with life? Would I feel the same if I had slept better, or if I had used the force of will to work out every day the past week–or if I were not teaching remotely and suffering with it, or if I were teaching closer to research field, or were teaching, in the courses were one expects reading, students with reading skills appropriate to the course?

I don’t know, but these things have something to do with it; the way I’ve been treated by the university has more and deeper things to do with it, though, and my not standing up for myself, and yelling at myself, and not realizing it is that that I am doing, and doing it more, and calling it making a plan to get things done. A friend said yesterday: “You’re not making a work plan, you’re slamming yourself and creating depression.”

I am also having difficulty with the care-taking and the organization of organizations. I am socially committed, and activism and political work are me–since elementary school. Americans, generally, do not see a distinction between this, and “service” and care-taking. My instinct on this is that it has to do with ego: for most everything is about self and charity. I do not have all of this worked out but there is something in it.

I get a lot of trouble because of not being the care-taking kind of woman and also because of being organized. People think women cannot do the things I do and I have just realized that the accusations and suppositions are those cast upon witches. And they are very confused about solidarity, and do not want that the way they want care-taking. These are feminist issues I should understand better, as I would wonder less what was happening and not be as vulnerable to the [gaslighting].

Nonetheless: looking in the California Digital Library, looking at things: of course I am interested in this. I am interested in other things too, but I am interested in this. It is the feeling that I must escape bad circumstances first, that distracts me, and it is what I transfer onto the work, not the work itself, that overburdens me.


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