Notes from the past

I found these notes from long ago, before I started this blog, about abusive parents. It seems like another world now, but it explains some things.

1/ Parents and money. How did I/will I/would I feel when I/if I accepted financial help? Answer: murdered/nonexistent.

2/ They cannot handle emotions. Any adverse emotion leads them directly to hysteria/abuse. I am not so different, adverse emotions lead me to anxiety/self-abuse. We all should learn that having an emotion is not an emergency. Reeducation, which appeared to want hysteria, was wrong. But in our family negative emotions do mean hysteria, and those are the threads that need to be untangled. Can you have a negative emotion and handle it without either repression or hysteria/anxiety/fear?

3/ My parents cannot be pleased. They want chaos, suffering, and abuse, and they will do what they can to get these; they cannot be helped or cured.

4/ What upsets them is any indication that I am not them. I constantly try to hide the fact that I am not like them, to avoid abuse. But once again: there is no way to satisfy them here.

5/ I am NOT responsible for how they feel when they get so irrational, and I should refuse to deal with their unreality factor. I am, in fact, right about many things.

6/ My conflict is that I need to be a person, yet am not allowed to be.

7/ In relationship to anyone, I assume, based on my parents’ attitude since forever, that a basic need (the need to exist, presumably) will be denied; as a result I am afraid to say “I need.” I think the only way to get a basic need addressed is to walk into the world of abuse/chaos. You have to shout over their din; I remember that with my parents you had to scream/cry, threaten suicide, things like this, you could not just say if you expected to be effective.

8/ They want me to feel incompetent and powerless.

9/ I am “abusive” because I do not buy into their story enough, and because I am an individual; I am considered “unfeeling” because of this separation from them, and also because of not being a natural drama queen.


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