Solstice. And this year for Christmas, remember, I will meditate and center upon myself. I will not allow people to run over me, no matter how much they need to run over someone. I will place myself first, no matter how “selfish” this is. I will honor myself. If I had been allowing myself to … More La busco y busco
Yes it can, but I have to own it and myself and not consider that it is something I owe. I can almost feel the existence of the person who could do this. It all has to do with not writing in my own voice, and writing with the feeling someone is standing over my … More Can this fucking Vallejo paper be my paper?
Caretaking, and required caretaking, and coerced caretaking are traumatic for me. I took care of my mother from birth to college and I gave her everything I had, and I gave her everything I could after that; all of this was more than I had, really, and I am in the red, as it is … More On research as caretaking
…because it is one more obligation. I was always told I had to do this kind of thing because in our social class nothing else was acceptable. But I wanted to do so much more in life, and do things outside the arts. And I want to work at a high level. If I had … More Why it is so depressing to be told I should be an artist now
It is, or has been, this PTSD flashback-like event I have been experiencing all day. I have not had such an experience for a long time. It is as though I had self-harmed and were now berating myself for it. Seeing that is already an advance. How to stop the assault? Saying it is a … More Toute la journée
This is my meditation for the week and I will remain true to it even though it appears that my dear, rat-tat-tat little computer is not very badly harmed. (Only two keys are still stuck, and it flickered upon rebooting but then came up just fine.) My meditation will be about self-sabotage. I have spilled … More La méditation de cette semaine
For the next three days I will work on this project and remain rational in it, no matter who I talk to or how scary that is. I will put myself first — and putting this first IS putting myself first. For my present purposes anyone else’s irrationality is irrationality of my own that they … More Trois jours de santé
I am easily understood if one understands the reactions of abuse victims. Otherwise everything seems complicated and circular and incomprehensible and exhausting. I fear doing anything on my own behalf because I fear the destruction that will be visited upon me if I do. Acting on my own behalf means flinging myself into an irrational … More Une des versions originelles et plus simples (de la méditation de cette semaine)
This, concisely, was the message of Reeducation: you must be a child. But that is not true. Axé.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 