Disposable life
09/11/2014
Axé.
Category: Banes
The self-imposed… And the chance discovery
07/10/2014
…torture, is what is self-imposed, that is to say, is what I have a choice not to do, now. I have great difficulty distinguishing between depression … laziness … incompetence … refusal to use good strategies … self sabotage that is bad … and activities that may look like self sabotage but are not, because … More The self-imposed… And the chance discovery
Splitting
06/10/2014
So it is the splitting I experience. Last week’s exercise on shame (and the shame I feel comes from this) made it perfectly clear that the problem is splitting. I always have done it to some minor extent. Graduate school cured me of most of it, and Reeducation brought it back in a much more … More Splitting
“Tú te pones mucha presión”
06/10/2014
Someone pointed this out to me once; I was surprised because I tend to think I do not put enough pressure. The academic advisors say we are lazy and inefficient as well; we should be jumping around. Tú te pones mucha presión. I think my mother did this as well. It may be why she … More “Tú te pones mucha presión”
Des narcissistes
06/10/2014
Oh, mais oui, j’ai ces problèmes-là, justement. Axé.
On shame and defeat
02/10/2014
From the dirty old mess hall, you march to the brick wall Too weary to talk and too tired to sing And it’s all afternoon you remember your home town All inside the walls, the walls of Red Wing –B. Dylan Those are often my sentiments and the feeling of incarceration and longing for home … More On shame and defeat
C’est dur: anxiety and splitting, encore
29/09/2014
…but then again not; who else has the luxury to work out these problems? Today, besides teach and grade and go to meetings: communicate; find that paper; work on mine; print the course poster; send the course poster around; do one practical thing; go running; sleep. And create more course posters, and look at the … More C’est dur: anxiety and splitting, encore
On television, and on the next step
26/09/2014
There is Amar en tiempos revueltos, and there is also Isabel la Católica. I would love to just watch all of these things on RTVE and withdraw from the world entirely. But it is a beautiful fall now, my favorite season outdoors. What is the next step: should I consider denial, magical thinking, evasion, avoidance, … More On television, and on the next step
Equinox
22/09/2014
I think much of my depression and disorientation came from giving up my research focus and rhythm. Research and writing give focus and order to the day and I had always had them. I gave up a great piece of myself — more than that, I renounced most of myself — and there was no … More Equinox
That academic allergy
10/09/2014
Working in a profession which you have been shamed for having and where you have also been shamed for being competent, and which you have in addition been shamed for being willing to consider as one option among many. This multiple shame factor is so great as to be paralyzing and the time I spend … More That academic allergy
coldhearted scientist وداد 