…torture, is what is self-imposed, that is to say, is what I have a choice not to do, now. I have great difficulty distinguishing between depression … laziness … incompetence … refusal to use good strategies … self sabotage that is bad … and activities that may look like self sabotage but are not, because … More The self-imposed… And the chance discovery
So it is the splitting I experience. Last week’s exercise on shame (and the shame I feel comes from this) made it perfectly clear that the problem is splitting. I always have done it to some minor extent. Graduate school cured me of most of it, and Reeducation brought it back in a much more … More Splitting
Someone pointed this out to me once; I was surprised because I tend to think I do not put enough pressure. The academic advisors say we are lazy and inefficient as well; we should be jumping around. Tú te pones mucha presión. I think my mother did this as well. It may be why she … More “Tú te pones mucha presión”
Oh, mais oui, j’ai ces problèmes-là, justement. Axé.
From the dirty old mess hall, you march to the brick wall Too weary to talk and too tired to sing And it’s all afternoon you remember your home town All inside the walls, the walls of Red Wing –B. Dylan Those are often my sentiments and the feeling of incarceration and longing for home … More On shame and defeat
…but then again not; who else has the luxury to work out these problems? Today, besides teach and grade and go to meetings: communicate; find that paper; work on mine; print the course poster; send the course poster around; do one practical thing; go running; sleep. And create more course posters, and look at the … More C’est dur: anxiety and splitting, encore
There is Amar en tiempos revueltos, and there is also Isabel la Católica. I would love to just watch all of these things on RTVE and withdraw from the world entirely. But it is a beautiful fall now, my favorite season outdoors. What is the next step: should I consider denial, magical thinking, evasion, avoidance, … More On television, and on the next step
I think much of my depression and disorientation came from giving up my research focus and rhythm. Research and writing give focus and order to the day and I had always had them. I gave up a great piece of myself — more than that, I renounced most of myself — and there was no … More Equinox
Working in a profession which you have been shamed for having and where you have also been shamed for being competent, and which you have in addition been shamed for being willing to consider as one option among many. This multiple shame factor is so great as to be paralyzing and the time I spend … More That academic allergy
This article, which I got from Clarissa, misses the point once again. Of course it is good to get up and do things, including when you think you do not feel like it or find it difficult to begin. This fact has never been in question. Neither has the idea that you should work on … More So many people are so mechanistic, and so superficial (and such blowhards)
coldhearted scientist وداد 