If I stop accusing myself of procrastination and avoidance and recognize that these things are not rooted laziness or adolescent-style “rebellion” but fear, and they are also misguided efforts at protection (against yet greater self-abuse, I might add), it might help. What can I do for me today? Be gentle. I am so violent with … More I also think this
“Do you mean you are going to take more of a stand, rather than remain silent? I pride myself for being able to glimpse in a person that elusive quality of heightened awareness. YOU ARE TRULY BRILLIANT, GOD DAMNIT. Please just admit it.” All right. But the fact is that I am also so ashamed … More Finally: on not wanting to come out in public
This was what that psychotherapy got me in touch with and said was the real me, that I needed to come out of denial about being. It is true that as a small child I was very ashamed of being such a deficient and also inadvertently mean person. I was afraid of being thrown out … More That incredibly low self-esteem
The other thing the academic advisors do not understand is that quality of life does matter and should in fact come first. Any philosopher would tell you that. If there actually are people who only care about publishing certain books and teaching at the tertiary level and can do this well in any circumstances and … More And two or three post-points, or, “I just wanted to bask in your brilliant mind,” as my friend said
After this, we will go back to poetry. The idea that this is the greatest profession in the world is problematic because it is, if you have a good situation. If not, it is not, but one is constantly told that it should be, and will be next year in Jerusalem, for the deserving, when … More And the last point…
So I am happy now. I hope this meltdown meant progress, and was not just some strange distraction. Saldo: it is what my friend said, the lack of kindred spirits. I should also drop self-doubt and stop putting everyone else first; this idea that you must come last is some strange Calvinist residue that has … More Pour demain
Perhaps I have my text working, although I wish I could have managed it sooner. Of course I do all the writing things people recommend: put the books away and just write, write imperfect sentences, set a limited amount of time and see how much you can do within it. I do not disagree with … More Y bien
Very well, I will stop complaining since there is a fine line between making discoveries and articulating the actual state of things, and engaging in precisely the kind of self-destruction I have decided to watch out for and not do. I have just remembered something I used to do, before Reeducation: designate time during the … More Muy interesante
“Working here is like working in a coffin or a tomb,” said my colleague. So part of my issue is, wanting to be somewhere more lively. Wanting to do this work but needing to be somewhere more lively to do it. Is that a crime? (My colleagues making six figures are in lively places often, … More And simplifying
The other reason I feel terrible working in my original field is the infantilization — I associate it working in it with shame and humiliation. And of course all the advice I rail about, the advice I tried to use to get myself to keep working on it, is infantilizing advice, so the entire atmosphere … More And now, postscripts to that letter
coldhearted scientist وداد 