A lot of the work I do is discouraging because it is not what I want to do and because with the people I have available, it is poorly done. Antidote: research time and perceiving myself as autonomous. These are the two things we are not permitted enough of, or often enough, here.
The reason I “procrastinate” on anything connected with work and particularly, work that will involve physical presence in my building is of the associations: I do not want to be reminded that I am about to be sent to a cruel space ruled over by cruel people.
When you find yourself “procrastinating” or “daydreaming,” could it be that what you actually lack is peace of mind? The volatility and instability of the institution, the constant suspicion, the manipulations.
The idea that you should not be who you are; that you should not have the degrees you have; that you should not this and should not that. When all of the things you apparently should not do are actually the only things that will improve anything or advance anyone. The idea that you should “adjust” eternally, and “learn” from the people who emit nonsense.
I am my own authority now. I refuse to be tentative any more, or to compromise in the ways I have felt obliged to do. It is important to do what is necessary to feel well, and to remember this mantra.