I was happy Monday, and not bored. I am just so used to going into a dissociative state to avoid pain or possible pain, and it is a hard habit to break. Today I seem to be happy again and it has to do with having an interesting collaboration at work.
How to escape all the painful associations I have with academic work? How to quell the longings for my other interests, which have, furthermore, no painful associations? They do not arise because of not having an interesting job or an interesting place to live, although I think one should not sacrifice both. The problem is working in painful atmospheres, laden with tedium and fraught with strife, stress over finances, and awareness that the usual ways to handle these kinds of things are insufficient.
I have decided that it is impossible to rise above all circumstances and that a complete, virtual atmosphere must be constructed each day. I am not actually tired of research or writing or even teaching, but I am tired of blatant obstruction and also of all exhortations to sacrifice and penitence.
I am quite interested in this comment, and will study it: I had a fear of engaging with MYSELF IN A DEPLETED STATE, because that is when I lose my sense of proportion and develop a tunnel vision and start to attack myself.