El reposo caliente aún de ser

These comments would have applied to Reeducation:

“situation too large and acute for you to handle alone” (Reeducation arrasait tout)

“you can’t spend all your energy on this” (Reeducation demanded all energy)

“you don’t want the situation to spiral” (Reeducation pushed to downward spiral)

And then there is this post, on reassurance, which I like. I have also realized through some sort of waking vision that part of my anxiety about starting work is that I think of it as walking into a room full of gesticulating and rather pedantic drunkards, and having the door locked behind me. I do not want to go in there, much less be locked in.

I also realized by watching a well done Swedish detective show where the victim turned out to have been murdered by her abusive boyfriend that saying I have reactions corresponding to those of a trauma victim is inadequate — it is true enough but abuse victim reactions is more accurate still.

Realizing this and being kind to those reactions helps me to keep them from overtaking me, and to move further ahead. And I react poorly to advice about efficiency because it is what is offered, but is not what I need.  And I disagree more and more with this post, although the post to which it refers seems refreshing. I also wonder why it is writing that is considered so difficult … what if the hardest thing for you is something else?

In any case the most important things for me are allowing myself to slow down, not thinking I must speed up; taking concrete steps to protect myself from the atmosphere of fear; and allowing myself to consider that the competent, not the terminally cowed, version of myself is the realest one, and is the place I can speak from now.

I wanted to change fields so as to get into one where I could be a person and say things. Is it so terribly disloyal to one’s first field to choose another, if it turns out you cannot speak in the first? Does it mean one was not interested in the first? If one is not willing to sacrifice everything, does it mean one lacked sufficient interest? I do not think so.



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