Encore une méditation

Destruction came from the combination of: recriminations for being research oriented, multiple “boundary” violations, the internalization of these recriminations, the rage at the boundary violations which I turned against myself, and ultimately, the conversion of what had always been positive spaces into scenes of torture. That was the combination of elements.

Condensing: boundary violations, authorities in terrible pain who must be satisfied, the conversion of positive spaces into scenes of torture. All of my problems are problems of abuse victims and this is what I cannot find a practitioner who understands — which is why I have readings and this weblog.

But I find that abandoning self and abandoning my research project — things I did as a result of Reeducation — meant that I had nothing with which to defend against those “boundary” violations, those recriminations.

They always say you have to feel better first but I think the path to that is to take self and project back. Those things, not “discipline” and “boundaries” — which are form but not content.

I mean: it is because I had abandoned myself that I let crows eat the carcass. It is not, as they say, that I “need better boundaries” or “need to stand up for myself.” It is that I renounced the things I wanted to do, and committed to things I no longer did. When I had also renounced the person who could do those things.

Condensing: it really is the person who must come back. In the meantime it is the friendliness of my research projects, and my knowledge that they are mine, which can protect me from invasive people. Again, all of this is about recovery of self.


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