coldhearted scientist وداد

I have it and should pay more serious attention to it. I need shiatsu massage and reasonable control of my schedule and space, regardless of the chaos other people may have in their lives. I am not talking about control over others or rigid defensiveness. I am talking about not being imposed upon, and about having as many rights as others.

I think very regular, serious treatment of the situation, and respect for it, are in order. (Back home, of course, I would never have doubted these things, and would never have allowed, or had to allow the situation to get this bad.)

I am incarcerated in a house, under the control of an irrational person who has legal power over me. I must care for them and do as they say. I must take on a very large professional project that is not the one I want. I am unable to do this under coercion, but not allowed to do anything else.

That is the ur-feeling of it. Bodily I have experienced taquicardia without heart problems, digestive issues, muscle tension and most notably, freezing of the brain. I’ve also seen spots, without having a vision problem. The two most subtle, but clearest indicators of anxiety are:

1/ becoming irritated or feeling defeated over something that can actually be managed with assertiveness;
2/ losing focus, as if one had lost interest or were too tired; inefficiency as a result of this.

People don’t realize I have anxiety because I am still a calm person and still so rational. In addition, I don’t have anxiety without a cause–it is always about being imposed upon, and the imposition is always real. Therefore, focusing on symptoms rather than cause, which the anxiety experts want one to do, only increases the feeling of imposition, incarceration, inattention to the obvious, and manipulation.

It is since November, Thanksgiving evening to be exact, that things have been this way and I have not had the time/space to reflect upon the situation. Had this period also started earlier? What about October, with study abroad? What about September, with the roof? What about the issues with the leaking door and floor? When did I last have any calm time to myself?

I would like less Internet of all types. More reading, in books and journals, not on screens and printouts. In-person work in libraries. Writing, on tables of the right height, looking outdoors in sunlight. Walking, in free air with views.

I should always sleep, and exercise, and drink water, and insist that my space be mine and be a calm space. More deeply, I should believe that my thoughts are valid thoughts. I should believe that I have a right to my life, and that my assessment of things is valid.

Axé.