This life is more ascetic than one I would lead, but it has the meditativeness I like and the activity. Other people swear by the 15-minute block and perhaps it is because of having been invaded and trampled upon so much, but I don’t like crammed schedules and do like time to meditate. My difficulty with work is not bringing enough ego to it. Not thinking one was allowed to be present with the work, as oneself.
I also never know whether I am bored with my topics, or only want to escape abusive environments. There are fields I have always wished to be in, and topics I have always wished to devote myself to. I long for them, for a non-abusive environment, and for just having or being able or feeling safe to put the requisite amount of ego toward a project, all at once. But I need to bring enough ego to things, regardless.
I had written some notes on the back of a grocery receipt, which I have misplaced or lost. I have other notes, also about having clipped wings. The image that came to me involved having new parts of my body cut off, so I would never be larger than a kindergarten size.
In research, one was not to be original, but obedient. In teaching, acceptable. In Reeducation, as with part of the family, one was not to be an intellectual at all. And now, memos saying “we do not support research in your field” are something I should simply burn, I see.
How to grow clipped wings? How to learn to place enough ego where it is needed? I might say: I will protect you from the clippers, little Z.