What I miss about the jobs I have had in R-1 institutions is feeling like an adult. You work calmly with adults. Elsewhere being constantly badgered, accused, pulled down, yelled at, interrupted, and having to work through the frantic irrationality of others really drains and disorients me because it activates the traumatized state of childhood, where everybody else was all frantic, all the time unless they were somehow locked down or subdued. The feeling of school, the college and graduate school, was of calm and freedom and I really liked this combination. Here things are always either frantic or dead and I want to be calm and alive, but also not isolated or hidden away. I like the feeling of life happening, other people thinking too.


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