I realized I needed a log again. For work, mostly research/writing, but also some other things I want or need to get done. So I can work well. I want to get things written AND remain healthy and in control of the rest of life, and gain muscle mass–and see film, concerts, and things like that.
20 January: Opened up one of the books I need to read for research.
21 January: Read three paragraphs of this book. Booked two needed plane flights. Paid conference registration. Decided about conference hotel. Opened up grant application.
22 January: Worked on European trip.
23 January: Worked on European trip.
24 January: Taught and slept.
25 January: Not a lot but I will read the Gabilondo article which is of general use.
26 January: Read a lot of it. Still not finished, but it’s great.
27, 28, 29 January: Nothing, depressed.
30 January: Dared to open e-mail. They took my essay, with copy-editing revisions. I started to work on them. There are a lot of deadlines and I lost time being … depressed. I have to stop disrespecting myself, seriously, that is where all of this comes from. And it’s not about self-esteem, it’s self-love that is in deficit, and we know it all has to do with my mother, and self-trust. I must escape from her ideas somehow, the idea that I’m always wrong, have to look over my shoulder. Anyway, the fact that they took my essay perked me up.
31 January: Nothing, taught.
1 February: Worked on vita to apply for conference funding, missed deadline but at least started working on vita. The hotel reservation is made and registration is paid and to use FF miles I will likely have to go on American. We will see what can be done about the funding.
2. Got an extension. Applied.
4. Rearranged office.
5. Finished revisions to review essay.
6. Read Shohat and Stam. This is toward my conference presentation but it’s also just great anyway.
7. Nothing, taught.
8-15. Nothing, taught and was ill, some minor reading but mainly: it’s just nice that reading/writing work when they can and I don’t think I’ll have to be somehow impaired to get them done once this illness is over.
16-21, and on into Pisces. Still sick, and uninspired about teaching and service, and part of this involves not taking the most productive attitude. Still research fascinated and reading, if erratically. I would so like a pleasant institution with a good library and a sabbatical. What can I do to get things done without associating this with goading, grim duty, and fear? Can I perhaps tell myself that these are in part illusions from the past and in part real lack of support and undermining happening now? And that these are things to be fought, not cajoled, pacified, or hidden from? This last idea could be important.