Fire Monkey

My Chinese horoscope describes me in an unattractive manner but also gives me a good year. You should perhaps check yours out. Also, I am Winter in the Forest and I want to find a reference to this.

And I’ve been depressed. It’s the lack of self-love–the feeling of precariousness–knowing you have been rejected for imperfection and craziness (i.e. for being rational), and because you are inconvenient. The pact. You cannot make it on your own and you are inferior, nobody will love you, so you must stay and allow abuse.

That, in the italics, is what my mother taught. I still apply it to too many situations, live too much in that world. This is the insight.

Yet you shouldn’t detach from passion even if you are bound to lose in material terms. The recommendation “it won’t love you back,” is not the point for artists and revolutionaries.

At the same time I suffer from drudgery, because of thinking I am in my mother’s world.

  • You have to love yourself and your activities, not do them with desgano.
  • I long for, and probably really need a more supportive and collaborative-collective workplace.
  • It’s true that I got trapped in the profession, and in two jobs, by my mother. I need to keep these things apart and not live in my mother’s world–the one where I am impaired (and cannot see it)
  • That feeling of impairment is in my body. I should get at it from that point of view.


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