On the old topic, Reeducation.

Something is shifting, or being revealed again. I’m not going to try to write it all out in prose, but this is to not forget.

TOPIC. The emotional abuse. It was real. All the classic things, the diminishment. I won’t list all the things, but the crippling, and the accusations of being crazy.

TOPIC. With Reeducation and its results, really becoming what I at least would call somewhat “crazy.” The trauma, that was real, and the sheer anger at it, and the repression of both, that came out of anxiety. Also, at the same time, the “practical” anxiety–knowing one was on an erroneous path, wanting to get off, and being encouraged and hemmed in to stay.

INSIGHT. Hemmed into jobs by parents, having these two things so entangled with each other. They are still mixed together and for the future, at least need to be separated.

INSIGHT. Demanding what is not forthcoming, what is not there to be given. Wanting a parent to be a parent. Wanting a job to be satisfying. Wanting Reeducation to be smart psychoanalysis. It is I who have to give these things–these institutions cannot do it.

TRAUMA. Needing from jobs what I got from school. Not getting it (except in my temporary jobs, of course). I have to provide these things.

NEED. An intellectual atmosphere.

There was more in this post that I lost, but I will publish so as not to lose.


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