La souffrance

The weekend was curative – I was exhausted/at the end of my rope – and realized how deep the usual pain actually is – and am now back here suffering. It really makes me wonder about lots of things but in particular about how to turn off the suffering factor in the immediate term. The recipe is: pay as little attention to the university as possible, think highly of yourself because you deserve it, and act as a professional independently of them. But this is hard to do with their constant onslaught and history thereof.

I wonder to what extent my suffering here has to do with the feeling of having been forced here. Being forced to that MLA and to this job, when I knew both were bad ideas. You are here because your family does not love you and because you must atone for having hurt them by doing the Ph.D. Is that what they meant? It may not have been so negative. But they would not talk with me, only at me. I felt guilty about their pain. What was behind that, what was my absorption in that knot of pain hiding me from or hiding from me?

That dream, in which P. says he hates me terminally, not for anything I have done but for who I am and what I represent. Oscar: it means the opposite, when siblings say they hate you they really mean please love me. So if, in the dream P., representing me, says what he said, it is I saying to myself please love me, in this reading.

The things that so upset me are: 1/ being treated so roughly, I was started on that too young; 2/ being suspected of bad faith, something I was also started on too young; 3/ being condescended to and lied to, I was also started on that too young. All of this hits me at such an old layer.


3 thoughts on “La souffrance

  1. Oh – I see what it is. My job is traumatic and I don’t want to go there because it is where one experiences hatred from people to whom one is showing love. I don’t like to say it or think it but it’s what I experienced from family. What my friend PQ said that time: “You come to visit every year with joy and love, and go home destroyed.”

    I need to realize these things but cannot think about them too much. It is why I would have liked psychoanalysis, a time to think about them deeply, as opposed to Reeducation/related techniques where you go and get stirred up in a superficial/non-useful way and are then left to handle the results and call that handling “doing the work” (which is is NOT, it’s the opposite of that).

  2. OK – I see – what is so harmful is that all of this goes to character. What my mother used to say. What some in the university like to say. What Reeducation said. “You are not acting in good faith.” When I am actually sincere to a fault, as someone else said.

    I need to see that I am reacting to these things but I also need to not live in them. In Reeducation one was supposed to live in them, write about them, and so on, allow oneself to be consumed by them, say this experience was one’s true self, that that person at the moment of destruction, saying the kinds of things one can say under torture, was one’s true self. Admit, admit, confess, confess, get honest, get “humble,” I wish I had known this person was a 12 stepper and what the 12 steps were, and that there were people who believed torturing others with that was a good substitute for actual analysis, and that they could be licensed and masquerade this way. (I am still angry and I guess I will be until I get over it, maybe I am getting close[r] to getting over it.)

  3. Also – I can’t keep torturing myself like this, it’s not healthy, but on the other hand, it seems important to articulate what it is.

    Being trapped into doing school because after being told one was not good for anything or worthy of love it was what I knew I could do anyway. Then being told that was hurting the people I had already so hurt by existing. Then being told I had to keep going because I had started.

    The trapped feeling, is part of what I act out against. Stay home and be good, dear. When things were going well I would see and say that even though I had been trapped, what I was doing was something I would have chosen without being trapped. Maybe then I would have chosen another thing, but this was one of the things I might well have chosen.

    But I wanted to be able to choose something else, or choose freely. I wanted to make free choices. I didn’t want to be hunted, trapped, beaten down. I didn’t want to have to confess, suffer, cry, defend, learn to accept torture.

    I am speaking from an old layer. I want to speak from another and be kinder to this one.

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