The Reeducator said this and also said I was too intellectual, too “thinking.” (Thinking was bad, because it involved reason, which to him meant false reason and rationalization, and of course he was very anti-intellectual.) I didn’t understand what he meant, because I have deep feelings and also a lot of emotions; I was insulted by the idea that I didn’t and also found it threatening, since he seemed to think it was such a terrible problem, that might need medication forever and things like that.
What he meant, or could have meant, though, has to do with repressing feelings and not giving them credence, and accepting as much incursion as possible until it becomes rage.
It must be said, I am also just so tired of having these emotions, and of being in an environment that keeps triggering them, so that it is hard to rest and heal. Where doing nice things once in a while, even daily, is not enough.
That is of course why people tell me to leave, even though I don’t see how to do that non self destructively, and even though I don’t see why I should have to. I think, rather, that the abuse should stop and I should stop falling prey to it. If that is possible.
On leaving, it is important to note that I do poorly here when classes aren’t in, and my plan to always be gone, or be gone as much as possible when they aren’t, is a good one. A writing space elsewhere would be a good idea if I can/could afford it. So really, I have my plans.
Also, the reason just leaving isn’t the complete answer is that the main problem I have, allowing people too much liberty for too long, is mine and needs to be solved. This is a place where it comes up a lot, and there are places and situations were it doesn’t, but still, it’s a problem I have.
The degree of anger/pain/grief I carry frightens me and isn’t part of my nature, even though I do have a warrior-type side. And yes, I know an answer, or part of a path, is some sort of Zen guided meditations, that I have not been doing. I asked too much extroversion of myself last semester; I’m highly social but here, that has costs (it means showing and leaning on my external self too much, and it’s hard for me here to find space to go inward, or inward in community, which is what I prefer). There are so many chaotic people and elements here, and going out of the house means being vulnerable to them, it is hard to be anonymous.
And how much of this has to do with feeling disabled by the combination of the place and that disempowering R&R? (Remember my insight on that: my desire with that piece was, in fact, to describe the work, not something more, and I think this is valid to do.) I wish I had a study group; people who are successful in life have them and I don’t have the right personnel available.
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Earlier I had said, let’s keep going with the program for the new year, because I have had it with the old ways. I have this R&R (revise and resubmit) to do where I disagree with Reviewer 2 and feel condescended to by them. I have trouble working on it in Lafayette, because in order to do work on it, I need to feel like a full person, a person with rights, a person who can agree or disagree with Reviewer 2, or agree in part, and assert my view. The reason this is so hard for me here is that I’ve been taught that here, to get along, I must diminish myself, consider that others have more rights than I do, or that others are jealous and I, to appease them, should find ways to limit my powers. I’ve also been taught that I’m not safe here, and that half my energy needs to go to looking over my shoulder when I am here. All of this makes it hard to concentrate. But I need to work on this article here, all my materials for it are here, and I am here, and I need to create my own space here, and learn not to be afraid here.
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It’s important, though, to remember what A. said: look at what has been accomplished, not what hasn’t; it does not look like the trajectory you might have liked or might think you should have, or might (would) have preferred, but it is hardly nothing. Also what the other A. said: I am incredibly resilient, and really good, and do not deserve to be treated as I have been.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 