Someone I know, a Cajun, said yesterday that they had “deep grief” over the same kinds of issues in this culture that I complain of. In their case, they cannot see their family because of it, and they grieve this and the situation.
So that is what I have, in part, deep grief. What other emotions?
Pain. Pain of rejection, pain of being projected into, pain of false accusation, pain of trying to annihilate who I was and turn myself into someone else, a person who would be less challenging and thus cause less pain.
Rage. Rage at the threat of annihilation. Rage at having been forced to self-mutilate for the sake of others’ putative pain. Rage at myself for having done it.
Currently, I don’t even know if I am being self-destructive or not, thinking about all of these things. I want to never allow this kind of violation again, never comply with orders to do violence to myself, never to do violence to myself again and certainly not just because some voracious person begs me to.
I don’t want to just go and do nice things and pretend it is all all right, I have tried this too many times. I know I need to stand up. I know my parents never did, they destroyed themselves and then flew into rages, then destroyed themselves for that, again and again. I want to just stand up.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 