I have decided I will not be so self-destructive and that I will put aside fear — and also guilt / shame. These last will not be replaced with paranoia or a “the hell with them” attitude, either, but with fearlessness and therefore empathy. Axé.
…because they are just too tattered, they are depressing me. They are wonderful and epoch-making as well, and I hate to let them go since they are like limbs. They are: New German Critique 22 (Winter 1981), special issue on Modernism. Articles by Habermas, Giddens, Bürger, Huyssen, Nägele, Bainard Cowan, Michael Ryan, more. Revista Iberoamericana … More Books and journals going now
…I am disturbed about my father’s final illness for several reasons. One, we do not know how long this crisis will last. Will we get to a stable period, or will it be a crisis from here on out? If so, will that be for the next five years? If so, will that cost all … More I am not chirpy
Category: Banes … More La diagnosis
It’s the first day of spring, rebirth, and the equinox, that turning point of the world, and it is beautiful and clear, luminous, springlike in all senses, in a way we rarely get here. I stayed up too late and life’s events and the semester have created turmoil, but I can see the spring so … More Spring equinox
Today I wrote 302 words and discovered lacunae in my research — serious ones. Advice to new faculty is that it is never true that reading and writing, in that order, do not come first — no matter how many times they say that in your current context, this is not true. I have too … More La fragmentación
This is a cheesy article in some ways but it has a list of types of emotional pain that are all results of internalization of mistreatment. Our whole department has these feelings and it is worth considering. We all need to realize that these feelings are imposed. How will I combat it? I will say … More On emotional pain
The other thing is that I just have so much pain and grief associated with this academic field that it is hard to function. People always said I must soldier on because it was what I had chosen — I had to bear my cross. Now they say they see it has not worked out … More The thing at the back of my mind that I wish were a palm
It isn’t actually self-doubt or self-hatred, or laziness or lack of commitment or not knowing what one wants, or depression. It is longing. I long to: – live somewhere I feel happy – have an intellectually stimulating life – be safe from torturers, not work with torture – and therefore, be calm enough to really … More Longing
— Work on article every morning 7 days/1h no matter what; ideally come up with a readable and sharable draft — Put syllabi and exams in order — Letters of recommendation — Three bureaucratic tasks: study abroad and two speakers — Meet with painters — Things from old lists There is so much to do. … More This week
coldhearted scientist وداد 