The reason I feel academic work is destructive is the prevalence and repetition of menaces and threats therein. From birth I am familiar with this feeling — someone will make a misstep, work will be cut. It is hard to concentrate in this atmosphere. There are no jobs, one false move and you are gone, … More On Menaces and Threats
As you can see and will see, I am really exhausted and depressed. My cat, who was my anti-suicide insurance is gone, and just any cat will not do the trick. Getting out of town makes my other identity, the happy one, kick in but this summer I am incarcerated here — against all plans, … More Psychological Hygiene for Summer
…I would like to do some work this summer, then, on the flashbacks and the feelings of illegitimacy / guilt. How to do it — care of self, perhaps. You have to have a strong body and pleasure, and be good to yourself. I think I can focus / meditate and reimagine myself. I think … More So…
One should not stare too long into the abyss lest one become it, I know, but I am benefiting from the morose series of posts I am writing because they are helping me excavate the sources of the pain I am in, shine some light on it and ideally, dry it up and brush it … More Lake
One of my colleagues said yesterday, “You have so many talents, so many competencies for so much, it is really admirable.” * The more I think about it the more I realize how deep the guilt is that keeps me in place, growing quieter each year. Let us review my sins, as I feel them, … More On Leaving
I do not work very much in the fields I studied, so a lot of what I have done since I got my degree is acquire expertise in fields I did not have. I have very broad expertise now and a flexibility in upper division teaching that is nothing short of amazing, and I say … More On Training
I have very uneven “self esteem” or as I call it, confidence. In high school, I didn’t think the local dime store would hire me. By the end of college, I knew I could work in a dime store or a factory or as a substitute teacher. But I did not think I could be … More On Confidence
It does not go better than it does in some classes, some days, because I do not put enough into it, and when I say put enough into it, I do not necessarily mean time. I certainly do not mean I believe in using teaching as an excuse not to write. I am conflicted about … More On Teaching and Teaching Advice
I am depressed and more depressed since realizing I actually fell down on my Jazzfest job and did not even know it — when I blithely sprained my foot at the pool I was not even supposed to be there, I was supposed to be helping to prepare Jazzfest. Therefore I am telling my academic … More Shadow
I only recently learned in an overt way that it is legitimate to put work and also your own life first, and to question and perhaps refuse activities and obligations that affect these negatively. Before Reeducation I knew this instinctively, but then I learned that Reeducation itself expected to take first priority. Doing well at … More On Working
coldhearted scientist وداد 