It does not go better than it does in some classes, some days, because I do not put enough into it, and when I say put enough into it, I do not necessarily mean time. I certainly do not mean I believe in using teaching as an excuse not to write. I am conflicted about … More On Teaching and Teaching Advice
I am depressed and more depressed since realizing I actually fell down on my Jazzfest job and did not even know it — when I blithely sprained my foot at the pool I was not even supposed to be there, I was supposed to be helping to prepare Jazzfest. Therefore I am telling my academic … More Shadow
I only recently learned in an overt way that it is legitimate to put work and also your own life first, and to question and perhaps refuse activities and obligations that affect these negatively. Before Reeducation I knew this instinctively, but then I learned that Reeducation itself expected to take first priority. Doing well at … More On Working
Writing is demanding and I cannot both mistreat myself and write, or both permit mistreatment and write. It has been difficult since learning that permitting mistreatment was what would earn my keep, and that mistreating myself was how I could prove my worth. Writing, despite requiring effort, is a true pleasure and I have always … More On Writing
To A Spectre: 1. I am dismayed at the amount of destruction I have allowed to be wreaked upon me and that I have participated in wreaking. 2. I am clearing out files and finding old identity cards. I see the bright face of the person I helped to destroy, in the era in which … More X
1. This weblog was started to reimagine and reconstruct me, from the ground up, as a professor. But the issue is not really academia, or Bayou Maringouin where I live and, regrettably, feel incarcerated. The issue is guilt about existing, about being who I am, and about having failed to turn into someone else. Someone … More Revised Mission Statement
I do not want yet more discipline, I want to fall apart and sleep for a long time. Then, I want to work on my new life, not grind away at the old one on the theory that if I just motivate myself in the right way everything will be all right. Unfortunately I really … More On Advice
The reason I am so depressed is that I am seeing so clearly how I have allowed as much of my life to be stolen as I have done. I usually shield myself from seeing this so clearly because the pain of it is as sharp as it is, but the panorama is in view … More Asynchronous
The web camera on this computer turned itself on and I did not know it. All of a sudden as I was closing windows, the face of this woman rose up at me. I thought there was now a ghost in the computer, or a dead person behind the glass. A spirit. I realized what … More A Bad Experience
So it seems that what people are eternally learning is that you do not need large blocs of time in which to do work, you just need to actually use the time you have. The claim of needing large blocs of time is a delaying technique. I agree, but with one caveat: they do not … More Postscript on Time
