Writing is demanding and I cannot both mistreat myself and write, or both permit mistreatment and write. It has been difficult since learning that permitting mistreatment was what would earn my keep, and that mistreating myself was how I could prove my worth. Writing, despite requiring effort, is a true pleasure and I have always … More On Writing
To A Spectre: 1. I am dismayed at the amount of destruction I have allowed to be wreaked upon me and that I have participated in wreaking. 2. I am clearing out files and finding old identity cards. I see the bright face of the person I helped to destroy, in the era in which … More X
1. This weblog was started to reimagine and reconstruct me, from the ground up, as a professor. But the issue is not really academia, or Bayou Maringouin where I live and, regrettably, feel incarcerated. The issue is guilt about existing, about being who I am, and about having failed to turn into someone else. Someone … More Revised Mission Statement
I do not want yet more discipline, I want to fall apart and sleep for a long time. Then, I want to work on my new life, not grind away at the old one on the theory that if I just motivate myself in the right way everything will be all right. Unfortunately I really … More On Advice
The reason I am so depressed is that I am seeing so clearly how I have allowed as much of my life to be stolen as I have done. I usually shield myself from seeing this so clearly because the pain of it is as sharp as it is, but the panorama is in view … More Asynchronous
The web camera on this computer turned itself on and I did not know it. All of a sudden as I was closing windows, the face of this woman rose up at me. I thought there was now a ghost in the computer, or a dead person behind the glass. A spirit. I realized what … More A Bad Experience
So it seems that what people are eternally learning is that you do not need large blocs of time in which to do work, you just need to actually use the time you have. The claim of needing large blocs of time is a delaying technique. I agree, but with one caveat: they do not … More Postscript on Time
If I accomplished something, it must have taken too much time. If I am planning something, I must be planning to take too much time. If I am doing something, I must be going too slowly. I feel guilty about time, or fearful. But really, the key to everything is to give yourself enough time, … More An Illumination on Robert Boice, 7
Around freshman courses I feel fear, shame, guilt. This, of course, has to do with the way I have been exhorted about time spent upon them. I want to get a handle on this. Due to the exhortations I received about such courses and the fear I thus attach to them, I procrastinate on the … More An Illumination on Robert Boice, 6
My failure to take enough research time has me depleted and oppressed. I have to take this time for my own reasons, not out of duty (as it is said one must) or fear (as it is also said one must). I have been told so often that it is arrogant and egotistical to do … More An Illumination on Robert Boice, 5
coldhearted scientist وداد 