I am having more realizations than I have time to explain but I will note them so I do not forget.
4. On making it fun by taking authority and making it work for you. Anything that seems like drudgery has to be reformed, and if you are stuck on your project, there is something wrong with it — it is not just that you should “stop being lazy” and go faster.
5. On how I got lost, or how I resemble, in some ways, one of those green graduate students that never got their sea legs, as it were. This is kind of important because from the beginning I have been supervised and judged by people who never figured out how to work themselves.
6. On how, again, “procrastination” does not exist; some people just do not have the page they need in an instruction manual (which does not mean they need the pages they do have shouted at them again), and others, facing huge and oblique obstacles, are only trying to find the place where they can be effective.
7. On how, again, you really can break your large task into small pieces and do them, but only if you have some authority in that task; and that is what abusive institutions beat out of people.
I knew all these things and more but everyone kept saying that if I did, I was lying, I could not know them yet, or if I did, it was wrong for some reason. I should not know how to work or rather, it was monstruous that I should.
I have heard it again and again: I was paid to teach, not do research (what about that fat percentage dedicated to research in my contract?), I did not know how to teach, mega-service was needed from me to “save” us, and mostly, if I had control over my life or volition or interest in my life I was in a state of sin and I was also hurting people by not serving them completely enough, not sacrificing myself completely enough.
I am going to so écraser all of these fools; all them fascists bound to lose.