Just when I thought I would never be able to work on this topic without being so engulfed in various aspects of panic and claustrophobia that I would always be forced two steps back for each one forward, the panic stopped.
It used to be that I would be panicked already, and the panic would increase to intolerable degrees once I started working. Now it decreases.
There is a practical issue in all of this, that is not psychoanalytic: I was trained to think it was inevitable to undertake projects for which I was not prepared on deadlines that were unrealistically short. I always wanted to say no: work on things closer to field, on more realistic schedules, but was always falsely told that was childish.
It is the memory of those voices, and the poor decisions they urged me to take, that both fuels and supports my general panic in several ways.
In any case I am more intelligent than the average intelligent person and I think that if I can have the panic keep stopping like this I may be able to get something done.
In my case everything has to do with giving oneself enough time: both during each day, and from beginning to end of a project. I think it is a problem in academics that they are so fixated on the idea of saving time. It is so anorexic.
#OccupyHE
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 