1/ “Patriarchal bullshit.” Just do it–but the question is just do what. The times I have just done it when it wasn’t what I wanted to do, were times when really I should have just said no.
2/ Reeducation. How did I fall under its spell? Recent events are a dramatization of it. a) Person presents what you want to see, gains trust. b) You forgive them their limitations — not just because everyone has limitations, but because you have been trained to believe that you in particular must be excessively forgiving of limitations. c) You then try to work normally, in this impaired situation.
3/ Abuse. What I learned from birth: I was impaired, not as competent as other people, would always need support and so must accept whatever treatment I got from those supporting. I should not fall prey to the idea that I can be independent because I cannot. Any independence I have is an illusion provided by the family, to be nice, so I can play and have fun, but it is not real.
5 thoughts on “Things to talk about”
There was another important therapy-type insight that I had, and meant to write down so I did not forget the vision, but I did not and I have.
But again, the key is: YES you should stay away from bad influences and negative situations. And yes you should do what you know is right and think twice about things you don’t feel right about. This is what US therapeutic discourse does not understand. It is designed to make you follow traditional rules, believe your misgivings are imaginary, etc. I think of psychoanalysis etc. as going in the opposite direction, toward autonomy and freedom and away from mere compliance with standard advice. I also assume we already have reason, judgment, common sense and maturity; and I assume we are not just here to complain or just to “manage” a situation, but to change things. I am in conflict with the whole establishment, I feel, and I am especially opposed to the behavior modification aspect of what happens in every interaction. I mean GOD: people aren’t dogs, for one thing, and for another, if it were all a question of habits that one could change by will, one would not seek therapy.
New instance: that organization. The feeling of being bullied. Being “too sensitive.”
Narcissistic wounds: deep wounds to the sense of self. Being raised by a narcissist: there is no space for you, and you are an extension of them, and they see you as an adult competitor and not as a child. I looked all this up because
AM said JMA had a narcissistic wound, his inability to reconcile Spanish/Quechua is what killed him.
I, typically: let people encroach on me and then when they go too far experience this anger, of the kind you would use in self-defense, in battle, but I am trying to repress it and do not know what the emotion is, experience it as panic. It’s about being invaded and/or swallowed up, crowded out, not seen / being spoken to as though one were someone else / etc. How I feel: I must get out of here, and I have been violated, and I must acknowledge anger, but none of this is allowed.
…and thus, given that I was originally taught I was not a person, and had managed to think of myself as one nonetheless, it was TRULY devastating that Reeducation also thought I was not one, and that all I had done to become one was somehow fake.
(I do see, but why was it so hard to recover from — ah yes, because it caused me to have circumstances that were further destructive. I see, but still, I object.)
Also: the escape to another world/country, other place, where these wounds would not be activated–the law school idea was that.