I think I’ve put my finger on it, it’s those feelings of unworthiness (more than guilt/shame) added to the fact that I gave my work to a Them. So I am never working for me, and never fully placing myself in work.
Partly that’s for reasons we have already discussed at length, work became a toxified zone and a dangerous one, and I wanted to retreat. It’s ridiculous, I know, but that feeling of unworthiness was inculcated in childhood and I think seeing that was the precise feeling is important.
Much later, this place became a place where I was unworthy, for complex but ridiculous reasons. And I’d shut down because I was under-resourced, faced obstruction, had terrible pressure, felt exiled, and so on. It wasn’t possible to rise above the flotsam and I felt I should. Now I can but I still see the place and shut down.
I don’t have time this afternoon to work this out eloquently, but these are the notes; I also need to put into notes those two books on US history.
The way I keep hiding from work/self is extraordinary, although at the same time I have been throwing myself into it in some way and concentrating lately, and I’ve been able to read and see things I wanted to read.
This is a draft.
P. S. Also, about Arday. How I feel he was pushed ahead at a speed different from what he would have done. This is projection, I know, and really about me, but I was so RIGHT about wanting to do the book on ethnicities before coming back to the Vallejo book.
P.P.S. Related is what that guy in town said. He thinks he’s a guru AND he’s been trying to hit on me so we can take everything with a grain of salt, but this is worth considering, I think:
“I’ve noticed you have a strong, intense way of expressing yourself, especially when you’re dealing with past frustrations or people who’ve hurt you. It made me curious what your writing would look like if you ever felt completely free of all that — not defending anything, not pushing back at anyone, just writing from a place of calm strength. I think there’s a whole other side of your voice that might be powerful to see.”
P.P.P.S. Also, Kravchenko. He always stood up for himself under interrogation. Yes, I made this decision at the factory due to these factors. No, it was not sabotage.
P.P.P.S. Soto’s essays on Vallejo.
P.P.P.S. The culture of obedience within academia that has done me so much harm. I learned from my father was that it was what you must do to survive but I see that it is what you do within the old boys’ club to survive. If you are not in that club, it is detrimental to you.
Axé.
coldhearted scientist وداد 