Zen

People were so stressed yesterday. My dentist was blocked into his house by a flood and did not meet his appointments. I conversed with one who is concerned he will not be allowed to teach his course with the same textbook a second time, one who does not realize she is going to pass her defense, … More Zen

Transformatif

Now I am transformed, having decided I have authority. This is new … very new. It frees up a lot of head-space. Self-doubt was the goal of Reeducation, but I was like this before. Getting further to the bottom of what Reeducation did: I think it said, lodged in us, the idea that we were … More Transformatif

And also

I kept being told not to be a professor because it would entail living in the snows of Madison, Wisconsin or Ann Arbor, Michigan and doing research — things I could not tolerate and could not do, according to them. If people had actually wanted to dissuade me, they should not have threatened me with … More And also

Botánica

I think I will go to the botánica and have trauma removed. I am utterly allergic to having teaching supervised by persons who know nothing about it. I used to feel fear and guilt around this, but now I feel anger. I do not think the way I “check out” of these traumatic situations is … More Botánica

Des luttes

If what is formative is what you struggled for then we can say I: – fought tooth and nail for reason and rationality (and no, not rationalization or false logic or emotionlessness) – fought tooth and nail to go to a real university and not just a nice safe nurturing college – fought tooth and … More Des luttes

Au café

At the café we discussed our lack of focus and the disturbing agitation of the atmosphere this semester. We decided we were not actually slackers, but that we had our energy blocked, and were “checked out” because of wanting to check out not from our work but from the disturbing atmosphere. We decided we should … More Au café

Stand-in

I should talk about kinds of music, nature, and possibly storybooks and poems, to participate in that series on “formation.” I should also talk about the grape boycott and related events of that time. Really what I have to say is that I should never have left California or rather, that I never had the … More Stand-in

Peace of mind

A lot of the work I do is discouraging because it is not what I want to do and because with the people I have available, it is poorly done. Antidote: research time and perceiving myself as autonomous. These are the two things we are not permitted enough of, or often enough, here. The reason … More Peace of mind