Today I wrote 302 words and discovered lacunae in my research — serious ones. Advice to new faculty is that it is never true that reading and writing, in that order, do not come first — no matter how many times they say that in your current context, this is not true. I have too … More La fragmentación
This is a cheesy article in some ways but it has a list of types of emotional pain that are all results of internalization of mistreatment. Our whole department has these feelings and it is worth considering. We all need to realize that these feelings are imposed. How will I combat it? I will say … More On emotional pain
I will find out whether I am still in LASA and ILLI. I will find out whether I can receive paper copies of my father’s insurance bill. I will do other things on my lists. I am changing my life. I do wish the university were not such a space of torture, and that I … More More things I will do
The other thing is that I just have so much pain and grief associated with this academic field that it is hard to function. People always said I must soldier on because it was what I had chosen — I had to bear my cross. Now they say they see it has not worked out … More The thing at the back of my mind that I wish were a palm
It isn’t actually self-doubt or self-hatred, or laziness or lack of commitment or not knowing what one wants, or depression. It is longing. I long to: – live somewhere I feel happy – have an intellectually stimulating life – be safe from torturers, not work with torture – and therefore, be calm enough to really … More Longing
I read about all these professors and how happy they are, how independent and financially secure and creative, and I think: I should be happy and productive, and it is only my lack of strength that prevents it They are happy in places even sadder than here; I should be too I am lazy and … More Mais
— Work on article every morning 7 days/1h no matter what; ideally come up with a readable and sharable draft — Put syllabi and exams in order — Letters of recommendation — Three bureaucratic tasks: study abroad and two speakers — Meet with painters — Things from old lists There is so much to do. … More This week
I started writing again. In the old way — something every day, in the morning when I can, and spend a lot of related time reading, thinking, organizing notes and papers. The keys for me are not to try to rush and not to get scared self-censor. Part of my block on that Vallejo book … More Et voilà
I had my fortune told. My aura is lemon yellow. What will happen if I stay here? we asked the cards. I will experience growth. What will happen if I leave now, to a place more pleasant or favorable? I will become a workaholic. Perhaps the pressure to make it work will be too much, … More The fortuneteller
My friend Omar has a millwork and art workshop where he spends a large part of every day. He says “When I am here, I am happy, and people love my work and thank me for it,” and I envy his non-conflict about his work. In academia we don’t have all the autonomy he has, … More Zen and the art of archery
